The Challenges of Adulthood

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not shy about telling anyone what's going on... hence this blog. Since it has been so long, I thought I would give an update and also let my friends and family see this experience through my eyes... In October of 2010 I turned 18. A big step into adulthood I'll say: I got to vote, I got a credit card and attempted to give blood (but I had low iron). However, I would've never guessed that my first months of being an adult would be the hardest of my life. Just two weeks after, my family received some devastating news: my grandma, the only grandparent that I had known my whole life, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer at age 70. To my surprise I knew little about this type, but what I did know was that this was the "silent killer", meaning that it happened fast and because it happened fast, it was almost impossible to cure. In fact, most people didn't make it a year.

Now, this is a hard topic to talk about... You see, my grandma was the only consistent woman in my life. She's the only real mother I had ever known. She taught me and my sisters to read and write and most importantly she taught me about the Lord. We also shared the love of music (as did the rest of my family). When I was about 7 I was asked to sing a solo at my church for an Easter play... I can still see in my mind the picture of us in the car driving as she played the tape with the song "Mary, Did You Know". She was also the one who stood beside me every single night of the play dressed as the angel beside me. God blessed me with an incredible woman in my life... and after seeing her in December, only two months after her diagnosis, I realized that her time was coming soon. You know, I have this "theory", so to speak, that when Christians die it means that their work for the Lord on this earth was complete. However, no matter how much you love the Lord, or how firm your faith is, it's never easy to go through something this difficult.

To top all of this off, there were some issues with my family... not something to get into honestly, but a lot of times I found myself on my knees asking God to change the situation... not her having Cancer... but to bring us all together before she dies. I felt like we were running out of time because everyday I came home from work, something else was wrong... again, I would sit in my room at night crying out to the Lord for strength... strength to get through this and strength for my family... I tried to not cry around my sister and my dad... I knew this was hard for them both and I wanted them to know that I was here for them. That's the incredible thing about having a relationship with Him... He will give you the arms to lean on when you need them, but also allow you to be the strength for others in need too!

As my grandma progressed, and my family began to accept it... we got another phone call on March 3rd from my Aunt Vickie who had been caring for my grandma. She told my dad that the time was near and for him to come out to Tennessee to be with her. We all knew what was about to happen... but I felt as ready as I could be. That night my dad and my sister Olivia arrived in Tennessee. My grandma was still coherent as she met my nephew Connor for the first time... I am glad that my sister was able to make it... While all this was going on, I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to talk to my grandma. Then on March 4th at 10:10 a.m. I got a phone call from her. It had to be one of the most bitter sweet calls of my life. She told me good-bye and for me to be a "good girl". We also talked about her love for Cheerios since that was what I was eating. After I hung up the phone with her, I praised God... NO LIE... I lifted up my hands and thanked Him for giving me that opportunity, that closure.

That night, my sister and I shared my dad's bed... and as we started to fall asleep the phone rang... my sister Andrea answered and as she began to sob I felt like I couldn't catch my breath... I knew that it was over and at 1:45 a.m. on March 5th, my grandma passed away at the age of 71. It was a weird feeling to think about her being dead and I knew that this would be something that would take time to heal from. It wasn't until that Saturday night when I talked to my dad that I began to think of all the things she would miss... I think it's normal to ponder on those things. But, he told me that as she began to drift away he kissed her on the forehead and told her he loved her... what a sweet blessing. She was afraid of dying alone, yet she was surrounded by family and my dad was afraid that he wouldn't be able to be with her, yet God gave him that. Another reason to love the Lord!

Its been about two weeks since I lost my grandma and I there are days where I go to call her and I know she's not there anymore. However, I have things that remind me of her and things that will keep her memory alive: her night gown that my dad brought me (still smells just like her), photographs and of course her voicemail. My grandma Phyllis was the most incredible woman I have ever known... she endured a lot, she loved, she lost and she lived... I know that in my eyes she will forever be my motivation for going the extra mile, so I can make her proud.